Episode 13, Sex Etiquette 101

 Sex Etiquette
 

By Christie LaValley for Under the Covers on ipmnation.com
***This is in no way is an ad for sex.  These are suggestions for your personal life, not for office visits.

     One of the most important things that we could possibly discuss is Sexual Etiquette.   Following the Golden Rule (Do unto others as you would have them do unto you) is a good start, but considering that Sex is very personal and quite diverse amongst individuals, the Golden Rule is just not enough.  I think this is a great topic to discuss.  Due to its great diversity the show will be done in two parts.    Enjoy.

Below you will find many blurbs taken from around the internet with their links.  I did not feel edited them would show the diversity of thought.  I would like you to explore sexual etiquette for yourself and make your own opinion of what is right.

This was adapted by a college as a guideline for its students.

1. Never, never use force. It is never the thing to do. Not if you are married; not if you have previously agreed to have sex; not if all clothes are off. It’s OK to say “NO WAY.” At any point in a sexual relationship, either individual has the right to say, “I think we should stop.”

2. Respect the right of another person to say “no.” When a person says “no” he/she is not saying, “Try harder so I can feel swept away.” When a person feels he/she has gone far enough, it is not an invitation to be seduced.

3. Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you. Always ask the question: “Would I want someone to do this to me, to my sister, to my brother or to a friend?”

4. A couple should recognize that public expression of sexual intimacy might embarrass or offend others. [Get a room!] When expressing oneself sexually, one must respect the sensitivities of others. Your sexual orientation has no bearing on this.

5. It is usually not appropriate to talk about an intimate sexual relationship with a third party. Bragging about sexual conquests can cause a great deal of pain and hurt feelings.

6. Parents should respect the needs of their children for privacy with regard to what they are doing sexually. Similarly, children should respect their parents’ needs for privacy in this area. Parents and their children may choose to bring into a conversation a given sexual experience but this should not be an expectation. Generally, no pressure should be placed on a parent or child to reveal information about intimate sexual relationships.

7. Both partners in a dating relationship should be prepared to accept responsibility for their actions. Before intercourse both partners should ask themselves, “How would I feel and what would I expect if …..?” The consequences of a sexual relationship (sexually transmitted diseases [STD], pregnancy, and/or long-term issues like pelvic pain and infertility) often fall more heavily on the woman involved. But again, sexual orientation has no exclusive bearing on this.

8. Never Negotiate Naked

9. Given the serious potential consequences of sexual intercourse, it is appropriate to inquire about infections a potential partner might have at the present time or might have had in the past.

10. It is also appropriate to speak openly about contraception prior to intercourse.

11. It is appropriate for one partner to contribute money toward contraceptive supplies, STD treatment and exams or clinical visits.

12. It is often important for an individual to communicate to his or her partner just what one prefers to do or to have done – just what causes pleasure and what causes discomfort. Communication is the key to a healthy sexual relationship.

13. Sexual harassment is not a joke. Women especially view harassment as intrusive, thoughtless, insensitive and a violation of their personhood. However, it doesn’t matter if you are male or female, gay or straight, it is still inappropriate.

Adapted from Sexual Etiquette 101 by Dr. Robert A. Hatcher and with material from San Diego State University

http://www.csun.edu/shc/pdfs/education/sexual_etiquette_101.pdf

These were a few interesting points from Lifescript.com

3. You need to disclose that you have an STD

Many people with STDs fear that they’ll be rejected if they share their status with a partner. That anxiety can lead men and women to keep mum about their STD, figuring that they don’t have to volunteer the information if their partners don’t inquire.

4. He goes limp

This happens to every guy, but it’s still an awkward moment. Unless deflated sails are an ongoing problem, don’t make a big thing about it – he’s acutely aware of what just happened. And delving into the psychology of why he’s suddenly gone flat and what it means is only going to make the situation worse.

http://www.lifescript.com/Life/Sex/Nookie/5_More_Sex_Etiquette_Dos.aspx

Due to the fact that Wiccan’s often participate in sexual activity as part of their ceremonies this was written for Pagan events, but applies to everyday life

·  There's nothing wrong with flirting, but be sure to respect boundaries. If the person you're flirting with makes it clear they are with someone else, watch your step. No one wants to get a reputation as a creeper who's putting the moves on everything with a pulse.

·  Much like nudity, touching isn't necessarily a sexual invitation. Many Pagans are comfortable with hugging, massage, holding hands, and lap-sitting. That doesn't mean they want to have sex with you, or with anyone else, it just means they're comfortable with these things. If you're not sure what someone's boundaries are, ask them.

·  There's nothing wrong with recreational sex, as long as all parties involved understand that it's recreational. Also, make sure any sex you have at all is safe sex. Use condoms. If you don't have one, ask around - someone will have a spare.

·  Be considerate of the people you're not having sex with. No one wants to walk past your tent and hear you howling Yeah baby yeah baby yeah! in the throes of passion. Keep it discreet.

http://paganwiccan.about.com/od/familyandparenting/qt/PaganSexuality.htm

Ever have a man explode all over you leaving you there while he goes takes a shower.  He should read:

Ejaculation Etiquette

• What You Need To Know
• You must get her permission before climaxing anywhere besides in a condom.
• Since it comes from you, it's your responsibility to clean it up.
• If you ejaculate on her body, don't rub it in after the fact.

http://www.askmen.com/dating/love_tip_400/444_ejaculation-etiquette.html

I found this man’s point of view interesting, but I would have to disagree with some of what he states to be good guidelines.
It's probably not healthy to get into bed with someone with a list of dos and don'ts in your head. Most of these situations depend on the chemistry between two different people, and there are many other variables. But we all know that I'm not particularly "healthy" in the realm of dating, so I developed a list of dos and dont's in bed:
Don't Try to Give Me a Hand Job
There are few things that I'm an expert in, but pleasing myself with my hand is one of them. Any girl who attempts to manipulate my apparatus is at a disadvantage. Hand jobs were awesome in 9th grade, when getting it touched was new, and I was a mere novice in the realm of autoerotica. If you are brazen enough to try it, please take your rings off! A gentle touch is fun, but not a hand job. In the case of hand jobs, I like to drive.
Do Have a Sense of Humor
It keeps things lighthearted and relaxed.
Don't Tell Me to Make You Feel a Certain Way
I wish I could just do without thinking. My overactive brain prevents me from giving in to my animal instincts. Now when a girl is like: "Make me feel this way, NOW..." during pillow talk, I'm just like: "Wow, I don't think I can do that." I'm definitely not a pro, and I don't like being put on the spot. So, I'm reminded of The Smiths' "Pretty Girls Make Graves" when I'm with a girl who is ready to go:
"You tug my arm and say give up to lust, give up to lust,
Oh Heaven knows we'll soon be dust...
...I could have been wild and I could have been free,
But Nature played this trick on me.
She wants it now and she will not wait.
But she's too rough and I'm too delicate."

Wow I have a lot of issues.
Do Make It Obvious When I'm Doing Something Good
I'm like a smoke detector in bed, literally sensing every signal she's putting out. If something seems negative, I stop doing that move immediately. If she's acting like she likes it, then I keep doing it and I remember it. And talking about it helps too. If you tell a guy he did something good in bed, like any kind gesture, he will definitely remember it forever.
Don't Do Anything Too Long
Believe it or not, I've had BJs that last too long. After a while, my mind wanders...regardless of what we are doing. So, if you keep doing something for a while, it gets awkward and monotonous. It's not fun to have to tell a girl, "You have to stop this" so be vigilant (because I feel rude saying I don't like something, so I just suffer through it).
Do Be Fair with "Lazy" Positions
Sex is tiring, especially when you're in extended periods of strenuous positions. We all need a break. For me this break comes when I get to lie flat on the bottom. When I'm in the energetic "giving" positions, I put a lot of pressure on myself. I tell myself I can't slow down or stop or she'll be disappointed so I just (again) suffer through it. And trust me, I'm not in the best shape. Switch it up if someone seems tired.
Don't Get Too Kinky Too Fast
You have to pace yourself: Don't break out the bunny mascot and handcuffs two days after your first encounter, which happened to be missionary with the lights out.
Do Have Respect for Yourself, Your Partner, and Those Around You
You know when you're staying in a house on vacation with friends, there's always that couple that can't go a few days without sex, so it's totally awkward in the close quarters? People disrespect themselves through sex too: A video recently circled the Internet featuring two college students having sex on the floor of a pub bathroom in a deep puddle of beer-muck. You should have the foresight to care about how you both feel during and after the act. And don't make other people part of it nearby (although some people are into that).
Don't Give Me Any Idea How Great Your Ex Was in Bed
Please don't let me know that your ex was an "animal in bed," doing things I could never dream of trying. This is one of the cases where "what I don't know won't kill me" truly makes sense.
What do you think of my dos and dont's, and what are examples of dos and dont's in bed for you? Are they similar to mine?

Read more: Sex Dos and Don'ts - Sex Etiquette - Marie Claire

So here’s a list of common sex etiquette mistakes that men make in the bedroom – they may be slight and unintentional, but most men are better off without these — ask your women!

Poor Hygiene-  You know she totally won’t be begging for more if you show up unshaved, haggardly and with a bad breath straight from hell. You really should take some time to groom yourself and clean yourself appropriately. If it’s a case of random, spontaneous sex thought, never hurts to excuse yourself for a minute or two and visit the bathroom to clean up!

Ripping Her Clothes-Oh we know – the way the movie stars do it, you may as well dream for it to be the stuff fantasies are made of. But it’s not. Not sexy at all. Or even practical. This ain’t no movies and someone’s got to sew those buttons back on. Some come however strong the passion, or the urge to rip – restrain.

Allowing Interruptions-Unless something or someone’s on fire, you’re better off not letting a telephone call interrupt you in the act. It’s just not good etiquettes, and not very flattering to the lady as well. There may be other unavoidable distractions like someone knocking on the door – in that case its best to wrap things up quickly before the mood is ruined.

Not Cuddling-Most women dread the post-coitus-no-cuddle-get-up-and-get-dressed-routine that most men seem to be hardwired into. It just leaves a woman feeling unwanted. So remember delivering the obligatory cuddle. Believe us; most ladies would love you for that.

Being Selfish-If you want to be known as a good lover, being selfish sexually is a big no. Granted it’s not always possible to be not selfish all the time, but ideally sex should be equally pleasurable for both the parties involved in the act.

Springing Fetishes On Her-If it’s a sexual preference out of the common order, it is best to ask before springing it onto your partner. Whether it is a foot fetish or S&M or any other sexual leaning, discussing it before her is best rather than whipping out the handcuffs out of the blue and freaking her out!

No Foreplay-Foreplay is as important to most women as sex is to most men. There, we have put it as pointedly as possible. And here’s another tip: foreplay doesn’t have to begin only once you have entered the bedroom; a good way to start the ‘act’ would be to point out to her how sexy she looks. Point we’re trying to make is: stimulating her in all possible ways you can before hitting the sack, best bedroom etiquette ever!

http://blog.pharmacywebstore.com/?p=381

If you have any guidelines that you think are important, please feel free to email mail me at underthecovers.Christie@gmail.com.  I would love to hear them and share them with the world.

***This is in no way is an ad for sex.  These are suggestions for your personal life, not for office visits.

Episode 12: Sex Questions and Answers

 Sex Questions and Answers
 

By Christie LaValley for Under the Covers on ipmnation.com
***This is in no way is an ad for sex.  These are suggestions for your personal life, not for office visits.

Q: Is there anything you can do to change or increase your sex drive?

A: Experts say the answer lies not so much in what your sex drive is, but whether or not it has reached its potential. The level of desire is individual, but can also differ with each partner, and vary within a relationship, increasing or decreasing over periods of time.

Age is also a factor in sex drive, amongst men and women, and is usually due to a decline in sex hormones. Furthermore, there are a number of emotional and physical conditions, as well as medications like some anti-depressants, that can affect desire.

Physical problem can cause sex drive to decrease such as erection difficulties in men, or painful intercourse in women. However, after treatment is received normal levels desire usually increase. If emotions or chakra blockages are getting in the way, talking to a counselor or sex therapist or Reiki practitioner  can help. And sometimes, sex drive will recharge on its own, as your life changes.Maybe you just have not met the right partner yet.

Q: Are you ever “too old” to make love?

A: As long as both you and your partner are in good physical health, experts say both men and women can continue to have sex to any age. However, sex can become difficult due to the affects of aging and medical conditions that become more prevalent as we age.

Even if intercourse is not possible, remember that physical intimacy can take many forms, and that sometimes getting older really does mean getting wiser about the many ways in which partners can bring each other pleasure. 

Q: Can too much masturbation hurt your sex life?

A: As long as masturbation isn’t your whole sex life, and does not take precedence over intimate relationships with a partner, masturbate all you want. You do need to take into consideration how your partner feels about you masturbation habits and consider does this upset your partner?  Also important to consider: How much of your time do masturbation activities occupy and does it keep you from other things in your life, including having sex with a partner? If so, it can be problematic in many respects.  Masturbation should be pleasurable PART of your sex life. 

Masturbation is a great way for couples unable to have regular sex to be intimate and can be a nice change

Q: What is the definition of “sex addiction” -- and what does it entail?

A:   According to Psychcentral.com “Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts. Like all addictions, its negative impact on the addict and on family members increases as the disorder progresses. Over time, the addict usually has to intensify the addictive behavior to achieve the same results.
For some sex addicts, behavior does not progress beyond compulsive masturbation or the extensive use of pornography or phone or computer sex services. For others, addiction can involve illegal activities such as exhibitionism, voyeurism, obscene phone calls, child molestation or rape.
Sex addicts do not necessarily become sex offenders. Moreover, not all sex offenders are sex addicts. Roughly 55 percent of convicted sex offenders can be considered sex addicts.”

Behaviors associated with sex addiction include: Compulsive masturbation; multiple extramarital affairs; anonymous sex partners or strings of one night stands;  consistent use of pornography; consistent need for phone or computer sex; continuous use of prostitutes; sexual exhibitionism (such as “flashing”); voyeurism (watching others have sex); stalking a sex partner. 

Q: Do aphrodisiacs really work? If so, which ones have the best track record? 
A: Since early ancient time,  various foods, plants, scents, drugs, and devices have been thought to have mystical powers of stimulating sexual desired.. Among the most legendary are oysters (they do contain lots of sperm-friendly zinc) and green M&M's, which has no basis in reality! The use of Spanish fly or cantharides which is made from dried beetle remains. It is works because It irritates the urogenital tract, causing the sex organs to become engorged with blood. Spanish fly is a poison that is also known to burn the mouth and throat, cause urinary infections and scarring, and sometimes death.

 According to Cosmopolitan, studies at Chicago's Smell and Taste Research Foundation found the smell of black licorice and doughnuts increased penile blood flow by 32%, while lavender and pumpkin pie boosted response to 40%. In women, vaginal blood flow was increased by smelling a combination of cucumbers and candy, while the smell of cherries, barbecue meat, and men’s colognes caused a decrease. Some researchers however, debate the integrity of these findings.
In animal studies a substance known as yohimbine, obtained from the bark of an African tree, had results that the FDA has called "promising." But the FDA maintains there is no conclusive evidence that this, or any aphrodisiac, works on people.

Q:  What causes erectile dysfunction? 
A:  According to Viagra.com there are many causes of erectile dysfunction. 

“Sometimes it's caused by a health condition. Other times, lifestyle plays a role. But blood flow is always important. If blood is prevented from properly flowing to the penis, it can lead to erectile dysfunction.
Sometimes, ED can be caused by a medical condition. Many conditions including diabetes, high cholesterol, and hardening of the arteries can affect blood flow in the body. And this can lead to ED. Also, depression can lead to ED.
Other times, it's caused by medications. Some medicines that men take for conditions like high blood pressure and depression can lead to ED.
Lifestyle factors can also play a part. For example, smoking can damage blood vessels. And it can lead to hardening of the arteries. This may prevent blood flow to the penis and can cause ED.”
Vaigra seems to have addressed these issues and one little blue pill could help.  In the east and in tantric beliefs it is thought that erectile dysfunction can be improved by having sex with the same woman for 10 days with her on top.  You should not worry about any outcome but to enjoy the woman trying to please you.  You are to just lay there and enjoy with no worries about your penis’ behavior.

Q: What is the average penis size?
A: A study conducted by Lifestyles Condom Co. shows that the average length of a male sex organ is 5.877 inches. Other reports, however, indicate that the average length of a penis is between 5.9 to 6.2 inches. Most of these reports don't have a large enough sample size to be statistically significant. Therefore, you can expect that the average penis size is between 5.8 and 6.2 inches.

 Rest assured that you really only need an average size penis to please the vagina. According to http://www.atihealthnet.com/pages/vagina.html “The internal walls of the vagina itself do not have a great supply of nerve endings, thus are not very sensitive to touch. The outer one-third of the vagina, especially near the opening, contains nearly 90 percent of the vaginal nerve endings and therefore is much more sensitive to touch than the inner two-thirds of the vaginal barrel.”

Q: What is the most common cause of sex issue between couples
A:While they can take many forms, sex problems are defined as any physical or emotional issue that prevents a couple from achieving a mutually satisfying intimate relationship.

The most common for men include prostate problems, a decrease in the blood supply to the penis, nerve damage to the spinal cord, or a decrease in the hormone testosterone. In women common problems include a lack of desire caused by a decrease in the hormone estrogen, thyroid disorders and pain during intercourse caused by any number of vaginal problems, including a lack of lubrication.
Some couples also find that the use of certain drugs can also cause sexual problems. These include alcohol, nicotine, narcotics, stimulants, some blood pressure drugs, antihistamines, and certain antidepressant medications.

Q: What is the most common sexual condition affecting men?

A: Studies show it is premature ejaculation, which can affect up to 75% of men. Clinically it is defined as the release of the ejaculate from the penis either before intercourse can take place, or quickly after it starts, usually within less than 15 "thrusts." Almost every man will experience premature ejaculation at least once in their life,  however ,for some the problem will become chronic. A highly sensitive and easily stimulated nervous system, obsessive compulsive disorder, or sometimes a lack of control over the body's response to excitement are usually the roots of the problem.  The use of certain medications including some cold pills and stress can cause temporary problems.
Treatments for chronic premature ejaculation include the antidepressant medication clomipramine (Anafranil) taken 12 hours before sex, and use of a condom to help reduce sensation. Sometimes a prescription lidocaine cream can also help by reducing sensation, but that can also impact the partner.

Q: What causes sexual dysfunction in women?

A: Unlike their male counterparts  who require certain physiological events to have intercourse, women have no such restrictions. The most common reasons for sexual dysfunction with women  are often based in matters of desire, sexual arousal, or sometimes painful intercourse. Some women also report an inability to have an orgasm or experience pain when achieving one.
While a decrease in desire can be caused by many things, including a negative relationship with a partner, or other life stresses, physical causes are often traced to a decrease in the hormones estrogen and testosterone that occur during menopause. Not only can this decrease desire, it can also cause a decrease in vaginal lubrication making it more difficult for the sex organs to become stimulated and most likely causing intercourse to be painful.  Also, certain illnesses, such as a thyroid disorder or depression, can greatly impact a woman's desire. Theunfortunate  inability to achieve orgasm is seldom caused by a physical problem, but more often the result of inadequate stimulation by a woman's partner. Women often need lots of foreplay and enticing behavior prior to sexual intercourse.

Q: I'm horny when I have my period. Is it cool to have sex, or will I totally gross my guy out?

A: There is only one way to be sure how your man feels, ask him. If he's is willing, it is best to stick to man-on-top mode. Bleeding is often e lighter if you're lying down,"
While there are benefits to doing the deed during your time of the month like a heightened libido and reduced cramping, it is still very possible to get pregnant. Use of a condom is suggested since both partners are more apt to contract HIV at this time.

Q: My boyfriend ignores my nipples, I hate it.  I think turns me on just as much as playing with my clitoris. Does it?

 A: According to an article on Mid-day.com,” psychologists at Rutgers University in the U.S. found that when women's nipples are stimulated the sensation travels to the same part of the brain as when their genitals are aroused. Brain scans of women who made themselves aroused showed that the nipples hit the same spot as the vagina and clitoris.

The research confirms for the first time what many women have experienced themselves - that their nipples can be an erogenous zone too.  The researchers asked 11 non-pregnant women between 23 and 56 to stimulate themselves while they lay inside a brain scanner.

The resulting images show the areas of the brain which were affected were like a 'cluster of grapes' in the medial paracentral lobule, which is in the middle and at the top of the brain.”  Which by the way is directly correlated to the crown chakra.

Read more: Your Most Private Sex Questions -- Answered - Cosmopolitan

                      www.Mid-day.com    

                      http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/what-is-sexual-addiction/

                     http://www.atihealthnet.com/pages/vagina.html

***This is in no way is an ad for sex.  These are suggestions for your personal life, not for office visits.  

Episode 11: Tantra Explained

Tantra Explained
 

By Christie LaValley for Under the Covers on ipmnation.com
***This is in no way is an ad for sex.  These are suggestions for your personal life, not for office visits.

       Since many of my clients who like Reiki and how their energies feel when brought into balance,  ask me about Tantra and its benefits, I decide compile the best of the information I could find.  Tantra is a lot like Reiki works with the energy  of our Chakras for to enlighten , liberate and  to expand our lives through the balance of universal life or love energy. However, with Tantra differs for there are two practitioners, instead of one practitioner and one client, the two are engaged in intimate or intimate sexual relations.  Like Reiki, to practice Tantra successfully, it is best to have a basic knowledge of your Chakra system and how it works.  The practice of Tantra shows you how to reclaim the sexual intimacy that is your birthright and through this most ancient of arts, you have the great opportunity to discover new joys of the erotic.  You will learn expand moments of sexual ecstasy and turn them into a lifetime of sexual bliss. At a time when the stresses, fears and distractions of daily life threaten so many relationships, the age-old practice of Tantra  might show you how to open your heart, your emotions , your sexuality, to improve your current relationship or to land the perfect relationship.

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Tantra, born in India more than 6,000 years ago, emerged as a rebellion against organized religion, which held that sexuality should be rejected in order to reach enlightenment.  Sound familiar with Christianity over the last 2000 years. At the time, Tantra challenged the acetic beliefs of that time, claiming that sexuality was a doorway to the divine, and that even earthly pleasures such as eating, dancing and creative expression were sacred acts.

The word Tantra, itself, means "to manifest, to expand, to show and to weave."Tantras are a group of scriptures defining how to liberate yourself and to expand your consciousness. According to Wikipedia, the Tibetan Buddhist Tantric master Lama Thubten Yeshe stated:
     “...each one of us is a union of all universal energy. Everything that we need in order to be complete is within us right at this very moment. It is simply a matter of being able to recognize it. This is the tantric approach.^[22    Yoga, belly dancing, singing, feasting and bathing are all seen as ways to enlighten yourself.”

      In this article we will discuss how with Tantra, Tantric Sex philosophies can be used to improve your sex life.  In this particular context of the scriptures, sex is thought to expand  the consciousness and to weave together the polarities of male (represented by the Hindu god, Shiva), and female (embodied by the Hindu goddess, Shakti), into a harmonious whole.  Becoming whole with your partner is a unique opportunity to become one for that moment in time.  Do remember it is best to live in your own energy, so being one is just glorious chance to show your love to your partner.

It is important to know that it is not necessary for couples to adopt the Tantric Gods or ways  of the Hindu  in order to benefit from the sexual wisdom of this ancient art.  Just the Tantric sexual practices  are enough to teach us how to prolong the act of love making and help us to utilize potent orgasmic energies to achieve a more enlightened life in general , but also give you a astounding  sex life.

      Like Reiki, which is the clearing of unneeded energies of our chakras with the replacement of good energy either by oneself, from a friend or stranger and is not a sexual act, but an act of love, Tantra is done with a lover in an intimate sexual act of love.  Both are known to have health enhancing benefits. One of our most powerful energies for creating health is Sexual energy and by using sexual energy consciously...we can tap into a true source of youth and vitality.  We may also fix problems that we thought would never be obtainable and worry us daily creating low self worth.

All sexual problems such as impotence, premature ejaculation, lack of libido, frigidity, self esteem and self worth problems and problems with self expression are related to the emotional issues associated with our sexuality.

      It has been stated in both Reiki teachings and in Tantric teachings that nearly all emotional and mental issues or disorders that exist are at least partly connected with our sexuality and or its repression. In trying rid our self of these energies or as you might call them stresses, we seek many temporary fixes like drugs, herbs or tonics but none of these are cures. The only possible cure is a clearing of the emotional and energetic blockages that are the primary cause for sexual problems as well as other emotional issues. To do this we must begin to cultivate sexual energy, be determined to stop its loss and learn to circulate it throughout the body.

How Is Tantric Sex Unique?
To understand where you sit in relations to tantric practice? Ask yourself a few questions?

1.      Sex is:  a) a way of transforming yourself  b) recreational

2.      Sex is :  a) liberating b) a de-stressor

3.      Sex is : a) ecstasy   b) how you achieve orgasm

      Since this article is to educate those with western belief of what Tantric sex is, you have most likely answered all questions with a b answer.  If you answered them with an A answer you already are practicing some form of tantric practice in your love making rituals. Here in the West, we sometimes view sex as a source of recreation rather than a means of transformation. The goal may be to reach orgasm rather than to pleasure our lover or to connect with him or her more fully. The true essence of Tantric Sex is in transforming our energy body which in turn raises the vibration of the physical body making us more aware of our true being. This is a beautiful thing is you can do with your partner and by doing it together you are sharing cosmic consciousness with your partner physical body’s energies, but also with their subtle bodies’ energies.

     With a raise in vibration of the physical body, it becomes extremely healthy and thoroughly cleanses all of the organs, glands and the central nervous system. It is also believed with the gradual clearing and raising of vibration the practitioner is cleared of negative conditioning from the past. It is also believed that growing up in the confusing  societies here on earth has divorced people from their sexuality, ultimately, leaving them with many emotional traumas. Due to this trauma, we are cut off from an infinite source of power, creativity and expression.

Due to our Sexual and emotional blockages we cannot cultivate sexual energy!

       It is well  known that the ordinary male must ejaculate somewhat often or he will become frustrated, emotionally irritable and may have little control over his mind. He may become totally preoccupied with sex. It is different for the female. Since the female gradually builds sexual energy through the monthly cycle, towards the end of the month, just before menstruation a female will become irritable, very emotional and even endure painful physical symptoms. So the unfortunate consequences of built up sexual energy are basically the same for males and females. We become frustrated and irritable. We must note that the way in which  we dispell the energy is quite  different. The female will evacuate her built up energy through menstruation and the male will evacuate his through ejaculation.

      Now, the  basic idea of Tantra is the exchanging sexual energy with your partner. Circulating and blending it throughout each other’s bodies simply cannot be compared with ordinary orgasm.  It is extremely mystical and very powerful. During typical orgasm, a small amount of sexual energy is built up and then released from the testicles in men and with the ovaries in women, into the genitals. This release of built up energy is where the orgasmic feelings come from.  The small amount of sexual energy that causes these feelings are not be enough to create a full body orgasm

The feeling of orgasm is in fact the feeling of sexual energy being released into areas of the body where there are many nerve endings.

       To obtain a full body orgasm, the entire meridian system must be cleared and the vibration of the energy body must be raised.  In Tantra, this is done through the practice of cultivation and circulation of sexual energy.  Learning this will take time and blockages around the genital region will slowly be cleared as you continue to practice. Eventually, you will be able to build and store much more sexual energy. Later, the stores of sexual energy can then be released into the meridian system during sex and cause some very intense full body orgasms that can last a very long time, and believe it or not with no ejaculation.

     Normal orgasm for females does not ever result in a large scale loss of sexual energy. This is why women are capable of having longer lasting orgasms than men, multiple orgasms or even body orgasms. The female’s orgasm is simply sexual energy being released from the ovaries, usually into the genital area, but not leaving the body. Some women who are mor liberated about their sex life already know how to pull their sexual energy up to achieve full body orgasm.

      However, for the male sperm is made up of sexual energy, so as they are released the sexual energy is released with them.  Sexual energy is  a person’s essence and is known as Jing.  Men lose Jing every time they ejaculate.  Losing one’s essence is ultimately loss of life energy.

Beginning Tantric Sex Techniques

     With standard American sex there is a distinct beginning and ending, with a climax somewhere in between. The average duration of an act of sex is about 10 to 15 minutes. Unfortunately, a women can take about 20 minutes just to reach full arousal. So a short stint of  a sexual experience can be deeply unsatisfying to many women.

      In the Tantric model, the sexual experience is seen as a beautiful dance that has no beginning or end.  There is no goal like ejaculation or ordinary orgasm. It is only about the present moment of being a blessed union of sexual energy with love as its guide . It is for this reason, lovemaking is meditative, expressive and intimate experience in Tantric practices. Tantra teaches lovers how to extend the peak of their sexual ecstasy so that both women and men can experience several orgasms in one single sexual encounter.

        Some leading teachers of Tantra suggest that even men who experience premature ejaculation can learn how to extend orgasm, and, with practice, they will even enjoy multiple orgasms. Just to throw facts out, 75% of men suffer from premature ejaculation.  To learn more about premature ejaculation and fixes for it check our blog Sex Questions.

       The following exercises are example of ways that will help you reconnect with your body and with your partner in a remarkably profound way. As you move through these steps, do not focus on intercourse as the ultimate goal, try instead to simply enjoy.  Take turns at giving and receiving pleasure using gentle touch and loving words.

     Communication with your lover is the key to discovering what he or she finds most arousing. Try to spend several weeks practicing the Tantric Intimacy Exercises without necessarily engaging in intercourse.  I know this will be hard for some, but this is a great practice for those trying to shed or release sexual guilt, for this exercise builds trust and reawakens sexual desire with no pressure to "go all the way!

Welcoming Love - Opening the Heart Chakra

 First and foremost, you must decide to make time love and sex. Many of us, due to fears of being hurt again, build up walls or establish routines that limit our time spent thinking about sex. One must drop the walls and open the Heart Chakra to accept intimacy.  Make time for each other every week, by planning a sexual rendezvous with your lover. Plan at least an hour or more of uninterrupted time to be together.  In order to reap the benefits of Tantra, your relationship should be top priority.
Create  a sacred place. It does not matter where you decide to spend your hour together as long as you make that space inviting and relaxing.  Take the time to think about what you and your lover need or might desire and make sure it is present.  That way you will not need to stop to find what you need.  Set the stage for love by filling the space with things that will invoke the senses like plush blankets and pillows, candles, fresh flowers, erotic art, finger foods, erotic music and tantalizing aromas. A well set stage call for a fantastic performance.
 Become a God or Goddess by dressing provocatively. Take the time to look your best.  Not only will you feel better about yourself, but your confidence will glow and excite your partner.

Tantric Rituals

Use rituals to help develop intimacy. Begin your sexual encounter with a ritual.  Tantric beliefs say eating or singing or dancing are other forms of enlightenment.   Get a head start and try adding this to your journey. It could something as simple as feeding each other delicious foods or sharing a glass of wine while laying naked surrounded by plush pillows. You could try bathing together. Try anything that helps you to attune to each other.

Bathing is great ritual, take time to wash each other with loving care. Not only does water relaxes the body and is a symbol of sexuality, but in eastern beliefs it helps bring the Sacral- the sexual chakra into alignment. 

       Remember that touch is very important  factor to opening the heart chakra of your lover.  Though, they might have tried to open the Heart Chakra on their own by planning the sexual rendezvous, gently massaging each other is an excellent way to finish opening the heart and to fuse your energies.  Remember these are just recommendation, everyone is different, but the key here is to work on developing new intimacy skills. The most important part of the ritual is to learn to communicate by sharing and helping your  partner feel loved and cherished.
     It has been suggested that in order to fully focus on each other (rather than on the goal of sex), some lovers experiment with various intimate rituals for several weeks before moving on to the next steps or engaging in intercourse.  Though this might be difficult, this is a wonderful way to strengthen the bonds of love and ignite passion.
 The Benefit of Breath
     "The only time we ever think about breathing is when we have trouble doing it, yet conscious breathing can be a powerful aid in sexual growth," according to sex therapist Marty Klein, Ph.D. of Palo Alto, California. Breathing exercises also quiet the mind and help you focus on each other.
      Though it might feel awkward at first try this exercise: Sit quietly in your sacred place, cross-legged, facing each other. Rest your hands on your knees with your palms facing up (this helps you to not feel your knees with your hands, but allows you to take in energy.  Gaze into your lover's eyes and take soft, but deep breaths. Keep your eyes open, gazing beyond the eyes, into your partner’s soul. Sustained eye contact is essential for building intimacy.
      Once you become comfortable with the first part and can keep eye contact, move your focus to paying attention to your breathing. Begin to breathe at the same pace, bringing air slowly in through your nose and exhaling through your mouth. Remember to maintain eye contact while you breathe together. Practice this exercise until you can sustain eye contact and harmonized breathing for about 10 minutes. You will feel high from the extra oxygen, and you will be in tune with your lover’s energy.  Most common sexual encounters only last 15 and it takes a woman 20 minutes to relax enough to orgasm.  Spending this time helps bring the oxygen to the brain which is needed for female ecstasy.
         Now you are ready to  move to erotic touch
The Art of Erotic Touch
Fully appreciate your partner with erotic touch. Continue to maintain eye contact, don't worry about keeping your breath synchronized, just remember to keep breathing deeply. Guide your partner as you take turns stimulating each other. Describe to each other exactly how you would like to be touched. This most pleasurable practice will help you become better lovers. Make requests in a clear and loving manner. Make sure to thank your lover and let him or her know with words or sounds that you are enjoying this sensual touch.
     Once you become comfortable with each others touch, you may wish to try other objects that   excite you and your partner—a feather, vibrator, massage oil, blindfold, soft fabric, erotica and loving notes to each other are just a few ideas. As you learn to deeply pleasure each other, don't be shy about asking for something different. This is your time for appreciation, experimentation and for taking responsibility for your own fulfillment by asking for what you want.
 From here, you may wish to embark on your joined erotic journey. Create amorous adventures together, exploring new and creative ways to awaken each other's bodies and minds. Then, you will be ready for Tantric lovemaking

Basic Tantric Sex Techniques

      The Tantric tradition emphasizes on getting prepared for lovemaking.  Sharing erotic rituals such as those described above focus on exchanging pleasures, awakening the senses and allowing couples to communicate on the deepest physical and emotional levels.  Through communication you are creating the optimal conditions for Tantric lovemaking.
     As you experiment with Tantric techniques, don't worry whether you are doing something right or wrong. This is a stage for learning and experiencing. Ultimately, it is about being in the moment with your lover and your pleasure is what matters most. As you transition into sexual part, the main idea is to maintain a state of sexual ecstasy for as long as possible. Do not shoot for the orgasm or worry about ejaculation. Tantric lovemaking is not result-oriented, but rather, timeless and unstructured.
Maintain a deep level of intimacy and keep it slow. A long, slow build helps men control orgasm and piques women's arousal. According to Tantric teacher, Robert Frey, the longer you linger in this process of building energy, the longer men can resist ejaculation. During this time, focus on each other and if your thoughts should wander, gently bring your attention back to the present, concentrating on your lover and the magic of the moment at hand. Continue to gaze into each other's eyes as much as possible.  This is a good time for light kisses and whispering words of love and encouragement.
Bring your attention back to your breath. Resist the urge to breathe quickly. Quick breathing creates arousal, speeding you toward orgasm. Instead, take long, slow, deep breaths from the belly, exhaling slowly. You may match your breath to that of your partner, or try breathing alternately—as you inhale, your partner exhales. This moves energy back and forth and connects you to your lover.
Vary your positions Different sex positions add to sexual pleasure and help balance male and female energies. Releasing each other from gender roles, lovers are free to engage in deeper, more intimate sex.  Allowing both lovers to be passive and aggressive, men realize their sexual potential through surrender, by being soft and open, gentle and vulnerable.  The Women, learns that she too, can direct and initiate. As you experiment with different positions, some male-dominant, some female-dominant. Take time to  explore your capacity to be strong and gentle, generous and receptive.

Freeing Multiple Orgasms for Men and Women

      Yes, it is true. A man can have multiple orgasms. In Tantric sex, there is a focus on the difference between the experiences of orgasm and ejaculation. Although they often happen at the same time, men are quite capable of having orgasms without ejaculating. Learning ejaculatory control is what makes it possible for Tantric lovers to capture and extend the energy of orgasm. You can learn more about this on your own or with a lover, buy reading my blog about multiple male orgasm.

This does not mean that you are never to ejaculate, but that you can control your climax. The essence, say Tantric experts, is to catch a wave of energy and to surf the edge without going over.

Relax and put it all together. Although it sounds impossible, it's important for men to stay relaxed during high states of arousal. If you feel the undulations of ejaculation, take a slow, deep breath and stop making love long enough for your arousal to subside. Relax and try to direct energy from your penis up through your body.  It is with this action that the rest of the chakra can be cleansed and healed.
      By experimenting, you will discover how much "time out" you individually require before catching the next wave. The idea is to allow yourself enough time for the intensity to subside, but not so much that you lose your erection. Since these techniques take practice, expect a few "wipe outs" or failures before you achieve mastery.
    It is often said that a woman's most powerful sex organ lies between her ears. I can attest to that. Since desire can be easily short-circuited by fear, guilt, stress and a host of other distracting thoughts, women often need to concentrate on the feelings of sex, rather than thinking when making love. Taking breaks to pleasure each other, manually and orally, is a great way to ward off any lingering thoughts or diversions and to coax one or more orgasms.
Most women require stimulation of the clitoris and labia (the inner lips surrounding the clitoris) during sex to reach orgasm. Prolonged clitoral touch is often the key to sexual ecstasy for women. Communication is the only way to guide your lover, showing your partner how to stroke you just right.
The Grafenberg Spot (G-spot) is referred to in Tantra as the "sacred spot." For Most women it is located about two to three inches up on the front side of the vaginal channel. When your lover is aroused, slip a finger into her vagina allowing your fingertip to brush against the inner wall. The G-spot is about the size of a pea or a quarter depending on the female with a slightly rippled texture. For some women, gentle stimulation cannot only induce powerful orgasms, but can even cause female ejaculation. However, take care not to over-stimulate this sensitive spot.  Women are not used to expelling sexual energy.
Relax and bring it together.  Remembering to breathe deeply and to go slow while bringing the energy up through the rest of your body, not only does it store the sacred energy but will help you use it to heal the other chakras, your relationships and how you feel about life..
       I hope you have found this information useful to helping you continue to keep your Chakras in balance and to find new ways to heal yourself with the help of your loved one.  If you do not have a loved one yet, knowing this information might bring that loved one to you faster. 
I am here to help you stay in check till then, just remember Reiki is healing as an act of love, not sexual act of love.

Information for this article was taken from the following links. For more on this subject, visit the links
http://www.tantricsecrets.com/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tantra

***This is in no way is an ad for sex.  These are suggestions for your personal life, not for office visits.