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Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Episode 13, Sex Etiquette 101

 Sex Etiquette
By Christie LaValley for Under the Covers on
***This is in no way is an ad for sex.  These are suggestions for your personal life, not for office visits.

     One of the most important things that we could possibly discuss is Sexual Etiquette.   Following the Golden Rule (Do unto others as you would have them do unto you) is a good start, but considering that Sex is very personal and quite diverse amongst individuals, the Golden Rule is just not enough.  I think this is a great topic to discuss.  Due to its great diversity the show will be done in two parts.    Enjoy.

Below you will find many blurbs taken from around the internet with their links.  I did not feel edited them would show the diversity of thought.  I would like you to explore sexual etiquette for yourself and make your own opinion of what is right.

This was adapted by a college as a guideline for its students.

1. Never, never use force. It is never the thing to do. Not if you are married; not if you have previously agreed to have sex; not if all clothes are off. It’s OK to say “NO WAY.” At any point in a sexual relationship, either individual has the right to say, “I think we should stop.”
2. Respect the right of another person to say “no.” When a person says “no” he/she is not saying, “Try harder so I can feel swept away.” When a person feels he/she has gone far enough, it is not an invitation to be seduced.
3. Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you. Always ask the question: “Would I want someone to do this to me, to my sister, to my brother or to a friend?”
4. A couple should recognize that public expression of sexual intimacy might embarrass or offend others. [Get a room!] When expressing oneself sexually, one must respect the sensitivities of others. Your sexual orientation has no bearing on this.
5. It is usually not appropriate to talk about an intimate sexual relationship with a third party. Bragging about sexual conquests can cause a great deal of pain and hurt feelings.
6. Parents should respect the needs of their children for privacy with regard to what they are doing sexually. Similarly, children should respect their parents’ needs for privacy in this area. Parents and their children may choose to bring into a conversation a given sexual experience but this should not be an expectation. Generally, no pressure should be placed on a parent or child to reveal information about intimate sexual relationships.
7. Both partners in a dating relationship should be prepared to accept responsibility for their actions. Before intercourse both partners should ask themselves, “How would I feel and what would I expect if …..?” The consequences of a sexual relationship (sexually transmitted diseases [STD], pregnancy, and/or long-term issues like pelvic pain and infertility) often fall more heavily on the woman involved. But again, sexual orientation has no exclusive bearing on this.
8. Never Negotiate Naked
9. Given the serious potential consequences of sexual intercourse, it is appropriate to inquire about infections a potential partner might have at the present time or might have had in the past.
10. It is also appropriate to speak openly about contraception prior to intercourse.
11. It is appropriate for one partner to contribute money toward contraceptive supplies, STD treatment and exams or clinical visits.
12. It is often important for an individual to communicate to his or her partner just what one prefers to do or to have done – just what causes pleasure and what causes discomfort. Communication is the key to a healthy sexual relationship.
13. Sexual harassment is not a joke. Women especially view harassment as intrusive, thoughtless, insensitive and a violation of their personhood. However, it doesn’t matter if you are male or female, gay or straight, it is still inappropriate.

Adapted from Sexual Etiquette 101 by Dr. Robert A. Hatcher and with material from San Diego State University
These were a few interesting points from

3. You need to disclose that you have an STD
Many people with STDs fear that they’ll be rejected if they share their status with a partner. That anxiety can lead men and women to keep mum about their STD, figuring that they don’t have to volunteer the information if their partners don’t inquire.

4. He goes limp
This happens to every guy, but it’s still an awkward moment. Unless deflated sails are an ongoing problem, don’t make a big thing about it – he’s acutely aware of what just happened. And delving into the psychology of why he’s suddenly gone flat and what it means is only going to make the situation worse.

Due to the fact that Wiccan’s often participate in sexual activity as part of their ceremonies this was written for Pagan events, but applies to everyday life
·  There's nothing wrong with flirting, but be sure to respect boundaries. If the person you're flirting with makes it clear they are with someone else, watch your step. No one wants to get a reputation as a creeper who's putting the moves on everything with a pulse.
·  Much like nudity, touching isn't necessarily a sexual invitation. Many Pagans are comfortable with hugging, massage, holding hands, and lap-sitting. That doesn't mean they want to have sex with you, or with anyone else, it just means they're comfortable with these things. If you're not sure what someone's boundaries are, ask them.
·  There's nothing wrong with recreational sex, as long as all parties involved understand that it's recreational. Also, make sure any sex you have at all is safe sex. Use condoms. If you don't have one, ask around - someone will have a spare.
·  Be considerate of the people you're not having sex with. No one wants to walk past your tent and hear you howling Yeah baby yeah baby yeah! in the throes of passion. Keep it discreet.

Ever have a man explode all over you leaving you there while he goes takes a shower.  He should read:
Ejaculation Etiquette
  • What You Need To Know
  • You must get her permission before climaxing anywhere besides in a condom.
  • Since it comes from you, it's your responsibility to clean it up.
  • If you ejaculate on her body, don't rub it in after the fact.
I found this man’s point of view interesting, but I would have to disagree with some of what he states to be good guidelines.
It's probably not healthy to get into bed with someone with a list of dos and don'ts in your head. Most of these situations depend on the chemistry between two different people, and there are many other variables. But we all know that I'm not particularly "healthy" in the realm of dating, so I developed a list of dos and dont's in bed:
Don't Try to Give Me a Hand Job
There are few things that I'm an expert in, but pleasing myself with my hand is one of them. Any girl who attempts to manipulate my apparatus is at a disadvantage. Hand jobs were awesome in 9th grade, when getting it touched was new, and I was a mere novice in the realm of autoerotica. If you are brazen enough to try it, please take your rings off! A gentle touch is fun, but not a hand job. In the case of hand jobs, I like to drive.
Do Have a Sense of Humor
It keeps things lighthearted and relaxed.
Don't Tell Me to Make You Feel a Certain Way
I wish I could just do without thinking. My overactive brain prevents me from giving in to my animal instincts. Now when a girl is like: "Make me feel this way, NOW..." during pillow talk, I'm just like: "Wow, I don't think I can do that." I'm definitely not a pro, and I don't like being put on the spot. So, I'm reminded of The Smiths' "Pretty Girls Make Graves" when I'm with a girl who is ready to go:
"You tug my arm and say give up to lust, give up to lust,
Oh Heaven knows we'll soon be dust...
...I could have been wild and I could have been free,
But Nature played this trick on me.
She wants it now and she will not wait.
But she's too rough and I'm too delicate."

Wow I have a lot of issues.
Do Make It Obvious When I'm Doing Something Good
I'm like a smoke detector in bed, literally sensing every signal she's putting out. If something seems negative, I stop doing that move immediately. If she's acting like she likes it, then I keep doing it and I remember it. And talking about it helps too. If you tell a guy he did something good in bed, like any kind gesture, he will definitely remember it forever.
Don't Do Anything Too Long
Believe it or not, I've had BJs that last too long. After a while, my mind wanders...regardless of what we are doing. So, if you keep doing something for a while, it gets awkward and monotonous. It's not fun to have to tell a girl, "You have to stop this" so be vigilant (because I feel rude saying I don't like something, so I just suffer through it).
Do Be Fair with "Lazy" Positions
Sex is tiring, especially when you're in extended periods of strenuous positions. We all need a break. For me this break comes when I get to lie flat on the bottom. When I'm in the energetic "giving" positions, I put a lot of pressure on myself. I tell myself I can't slow down or stop or she'll be disappointed so I just (again) suffer through it. And trust me, I'm not in the best shape. Switch it up if someone seems tired.
Don't Get Too Kinky Too Fast
You have to pace yourself: Don't break out the bunny mascot and handcuffs two days after your first encounter, which happened to be missionary with the lights out.
Do Have Respect for Yourself, Your Partner, and Those Around You
You know when you're staying in a house on vacation with friends, there's always that couple that can't go a few days without sex, so it's totally awkward in the close quarters? People disrespect themselves through sex too: A video recently circled the Internet featuring two college students having sex on the floor of a pub bathroom in a deep puddle of beer-muck. You should have the foresight to care about how you both feel during and after the act. And don't make other people part of it nearby (although some people are into that).
Don't Give Me Any Idea How Great Your Ex Was in Bed
Please don't let me know that your ex was an "animal in bed," doing things I could never dream of trying. This is one of the cases where "what I don't know won't kill me" truly makes sense.
What do you think of my dos and dont's, and what are examples of dos and dont's in bed for you? Are they similar to mine?
So here’s a list of common sex etiquette mistakes that men make in the bedroom – they may be slight and unintentional, but most men are better off without these — ask your women!

Poor Hygiene-  You know she totally won’t be begging for more if you show up unshaved, haggardly and with a bad breath straight from hell. You really should take some time to groom yourself and clean yourself appropriately. If it’s a case of random, spontaneous sex thought, never hurts to excuse yourself for a minute or two and visit the bathroom to clean up!

Ripping Her Clothes-Oh we know – the way the movie stars do it, you may as well dream for it to be the stuff fantasies are made of. But it’s not. Not sexy at all. Or even practical. This ain’t no movies and someone’s got to sew those buttons back on. Some come however strong the passion, or the urge to rip – restrain.

Allowing Interruptions-Unless something or someone’s on fire, you’re better off not letting a telephone call interrupt you in the act. It’s just not good etiquettes, and not very flattering to the lady as well. There may be other unavoidable distractions like someone knocking on the door – in that case its best to wrap things up quickly before the mood is ruined.

Not Cuddling-Most women dread the post-coitus-no-cuddle-get-up-and-get-dressed-routine that most men seem to be hardwired into. It just leaves a woman feeling unwanted. So remember delivering the obligatory cuddle. Believe us; most ladies would love you for that.

Being Selfish-If you want to be known as a good lover, being selfish sexually is a big no. Granted it’s not always possible to be not selfish all the time, but ideally sex should be equally pleasurable for both the parties involved in the act.

Springing Fetishes On Her-If it’s a sexual preference out of the common order, it is best to ask before springing it onto your partner. Whether it is a foot fetish or S&M or any other sexual leaning, discussing it before her is best rather than whipping out the handcuffs out of the blue and freaking her out!

No Foreplay-Foreplay is as important to most women as sex is to most men. There, we have put it as pointedly as possible. And here’s another tip: foreplay doesn’t have to begin only once you have entered the bedroom; a good way to start the ‘act’ would be to point out to her how sexy she looks. Point we’re trying to make is: stimulating her in all possible ways you can before hitting the sack, best bedroom etiquette ever!

If you have any guidelines that you think are important, please feel free to email mail me at  I would love to hear them and share them with the world.

***This is in no way is an ad for sex.  These are suggestions for your personal life, not for office visits.

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